Radiation

I have to admit, since being upgraded to having Stage IV cancer (there is no stage V), the winds came right out of my sails. The tears just keep coming. I have to wrap my brain around that this is just a technical number for doctors to treat me, and it doesn't phase God one bit. He hasn't changed his plan for me just because it went from 3 to 4.

It is really hard for me to read "if anybody can beat this you can", "your strength is an inspiration". I am not strong on my own at all, the strength you see is from God alone.

When I first wake-up in the morning is my hardest part of the day. I always have tears and fears. I am so thankful for the day, yet I have a day of cancer. Carman has been awesome. We just lay in bed hold each other and pray -we have never done before. I am seeing how important this is in marriage, and I am disappointed in us that it has taken cancer to truly make God the centre of our marriage. This prayer time gives me peace and the strength for the day.

I have had some low times. I had a hissy fit laying in bed fisting the mattress begging God to heal and restore my body and spirit. I've been brought down to my knees in anguish in the kitchen, basement, and my office. I share this not to make you sorry or sad for me. God is doing great work in me, and this is part of the process. As you take this journey with me, ask yourself: how is God working in you? I would love to hear about it. I don't want the experience to be just one sided.

The Radiation Oncologist, Dr. Tankle, restored some hope for us. The location in my sternum that is diseased is not large, and is very treatable at this time. He encouraged us to look as my cancer as a chronic illness, like heart disease. Many people live long fulfilling lives with heart disease. He did say that I am a special case - I replied "I am a special gal". Most of his patients are twice my age and are reluctant of radiation treatment. The location of the cancer is also unique so he was not prepared to issue a treatment plan without consulting his colleagues and posting a notice for advice on the worldwide cancer site. He recommends an aggressive approach of about 4 weeks, but he said he didn't want to be a 'cowboy', hence the consult. The benefit of radiation is it can relieve the pain and discomfort and kill or contain the cancer. Please pray the treatment is successful in absolute healing for life. We still don't know when the treatment will start, but probably in a week or so.

While I get radiation I will be staying with Carman's aunt Rochelle and her husband Harold. They have a basement suite all ready for me and my mom. Rochelle and I shared some tears as she gave us the tour - we are so thankful we don't have to worry about where to stay and the cost accommodations or commuting.

This morning I also started the drug Tomoxifen. It is a hormonal agent used to treat breast cancer. It prevents or slows tumor growth by blocking the effects of estrogen to the body. It has some really pleasant side effects: Hot flushes, Nausea, Bone or Tumor Pain, Vaginal Dryness, and Mood Swings. Hello Menopause. I know I am full of prayer requests, but I pray my side effects are not horrible, and easily lived with. I will also start getting an injection soon to start shutting down my ovaries, so Menopause is inevitable. I pray it just all works to make me cancer free.

On the way home last night I was telling Carman that I think God was preparing the shutting down of my ovaries for a long time. My sister Kari reminded me when I was little, my sister Tara and I would have Toyota Girl contests (remember when they would jump at the end of the commercial and shout "Toyota") and during the contest I said something about adopting. I used to stay up and watch 60 Minutes or 20/20 even as a young teenager and watch documentaries about the 1 child policy in China and the massive amount of orphans in Romania. Loosing my ovaries doesn't bother me one iota (this is an authorized measurement). Carman too said he has no regrets of not having children. It will be interested to see how this all unfolds and if we ever become parents.

I know many of you want to help us. When my radiation starts I have asked if they can give me a late morning schedule which would allow me to come home Friday afternoon and leave Monday mornings. To allow Carman the opportunity to work as much as possible, we would greatly accept the offer of drivers on Mondays and Fridays. I know some of you have already offered so we will be in touch with you. The next request Carman doesn't know I am asking, but he is not that fond of house work. I am a bit of clean freak and relax better when my house is clean. If any of you are interested in helping with cleaning, I know Carman would love it, and I would greatly appreciate it when I come home on the weekends.

You can also help by mailing me your picture. I want to put pictures on the fridge in Edmonton like I do at home - just to remind myself I am not alone. Our address:
12 McCune Ave
Red Deer, AB
T4N 0H2


Lastly I share some bible verses. I have been writing them on recipe cards so I can quickly flip through them when they are greatly needed:

Lamentations 3:32
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.

Psalm 112:7
He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.

Haven't cracked open a bible in awhile? I am not trying to make you feel guilty - I was once like that too. Don't be as stubborn (that Ukrainian trait) and as slow of a learner as I was.

With Love,
Brenda